Why Pretending to Hear Doesn’t Help

Imagine that you are with friends at a potluck and someone you have not met before strikes up a conversation. There’s a game on the television in the other room and music is playing, all while at least three other conversations are happening simultaneously between good friends nearby.

You hear him ask for your name and where you are from. You can’t make out everything, but you let the context of the situation guide you. Then, he launches into a long narrative—the topic of which you cannot be sure. As he continues on, you realize you have long missed the opportunity to disclose that you have a hearing loss and that the environmental noise is not allowing you to hear him properly.

So, what do you do? Keep pretending to hear? Or interrupt and disclose your hearing loss?

His facial expression and body language indicate that the story has detail and passion, but you are too focused on your anxiety about how you ended up in this moment. Yet, you do not interrupt and even go so far in your pretending to follow along that you nod along knowingly and laugh when he laughs…

Situations like these are actually more common that you might think. Disclosing your disabling hearing loss to loved ones can be difficult, but it can often feel like the stakes are higher when meeting new people. Will they judge you or not want to talk to you at all? Do you have to tell them all about your hearing loss? Or is it just easier to pretend that you can hear?

I Don’t Want to be Rude

Social etiquette has conditioned people to believe that interrupting the flow of conversation is a big no-no. Additionally, drawing attention to your hearing loss is probably the last thing you want to do. However, when you challenge both of these practices the conversation becomes more dynamic because you begin to participate in it.

For example, if someone is telling a funny story and you do not recognize the pop culture reference they are making, you will likely make a mental note to look it up later rather than interrupt and ask for a quick explanation and the context. By pretending to hear, the story gets told without interruption, everyone has a laugh at the end, and everyone feels included. It is nice to be in on the joke.

A work-related example demonstrates different stakes: During a conference call, your ears make out about half of what is being discussed. You feel anxious about constantly asking for repeated information or accommodation for you to be more fully included. All the while, you are feeling stressed about how your hearing loss might affect your career and continued success. After the call, you must figure out how to approach your superior to talk about your hearing loss and how it affects your job performance.

Break the Cycle

Before you can change the behavior of pretending to hear, it is important to identify what situations set off that behavior. These could be instances where you feel like you are the only person in a group that is struggling to hear or when you ask someone to repeat a word or phrase and you still do not understand. This could be what triggers you to begin pretending to hear.

Instead of feeling the pressure to break a bad habit, try turning it into a good one. How can it become something that can actually work in your favor? You might try a disclosure method that states that you have a hearing loss and, if you are comfortable, how people around you can accommodate your needs. There are three methods of disclosure:

• Non-Disclosure – participants most often chose not to disclose their hearing loss. Instead, they used phrases that normal hearing people might use.

For example: Can you speak up? I can’t hear you.

• Basic Disclosure – participants disclosed that they have a hearing loss and shared details about their condition.
• For example: Due to a childhood ear infection, I don’t hear well in my left ear.
• Multipurpose Disclosure – participants disclosed their hearing loss and also suggested an accommodation strategy.

For example: I’m partially deaf in my right ear. Please walk on my left side.  

Seeking Treatment for Hearing Loss

If the number of times you miss out on information is too many to count, you may want to consider one of the three disclosure methods to give you an advantage in conversation. The second or third could work best in a workplace situation, but also in a casual social context.

You should also be in contact with your hearing health care professional about routine hearing checks, scheduling a hearing exam, and hearing aid fittings and maintenance. And if it’s time for new hearing aids, be sure to shop our affordable hearing aids to find the right device for your individual needs.